Pause. What? 

This was not how this was supposed to work. I was going to quit my job and announce to the world that I was following my dream and goal of becoming a SoulCycle instructor. “New York City, here I come! I’m going to SoulCycle instructor training!” Everyone would praise me and tell me how BRAVE I was for quitting my short lived but successful recruiting career to pursue something I loved. My brain couldn’t wrap around the fact that I was unexplainably guided to the opportunity to audition. The universe laid it out for me on a silver platter. I was meant to be in that room! I basically already had my bags packed! I looked into New York City sublets! 

Why do my life’s ambitions and dreams always have to come down to another failed audition? How could I have been so ridiculous to think that I was capable of something to this degree? Those familiar feelings started to settle in as those words from that heartbreaking e-mail became my new reality. We all have demons that constantly remind us by whispering in our ear “you’re not good enough.” Some days they are louder than others, but in this moment their whispers turn into blaring shouts. I want to drown out the noise but it’s all I can hear. 

An hour later I sat on a freezing cold Baker Beach as the sun set on another beautiful San Francisco day. I cried for an hour as I listened to the waves crash on the shore giving the perfect sound effect for the heaviness and breaking deep in my chest. Despite my tears, I looked up at the Golden Gate Bridge as she slowly lit up the sky, the way she does when the sun goes down and the fog rolls in. I thought about how she still shines through, despite the fog. 

It seems like life tends to laugh at the plans you make when you grasp onto certain outcomes. How many times do you look back on seemingly catastrophic events and realize—everything happened exactly as it should? To be honest, I’m still trying to make sense of why I didn’t succeed at my first SoulCycle instructor audition. What I do know is I’m still on that path. I’m just taking a different road. 

It has taken a lot of strength and soul-searching (pun intended) to figure out what exactly my future holds. I do know one thing, however. 

I quit my job. That's where it started. It started with saying goodbye to security. It started with taking a huge leap of faith.

“You quit your job? But what are you going to DO?”

I live in San Francisco. My rent for living in the living room of a one-bedroom apartment is more than my parent’s mortgage. I have something to tell you.

I’m going to be fine.

What really resonates with me is living a life that I’m not passionate about. No amount of money is worth knowing that my soul is tied to other things. I can’t let those slip away from me.  There are times when I would be walking in the city after a long work day and see empty gazes of tired eyes who cashed in their dreams for suits and briefcases. I can’t help but stare because there was a time when I looked in the mirror and saw the same expressions staring back at me. I thought my pencil skirt, a 401k and PTO would bring me satisfaction and something to be proud of.  At the end of the day my proudest moments have had nothing to do with my former 9-5.What I have to be proud of is my courage and conviction to build myself a life that I’m excited to live every single day.  

Elizabeth Gilbert said it best in her book, Big Magic: “The Universe buries strange jewels deep within us all, and then stands back to see if we can find them…Do whatever brings you to life, then. Follow your own fascinations, obsessions, and compulsions. Trust them. Create whatever causes a revolution in your heart.” 

Follow my story-- Spinning The Other Way.

Blog launching May 1st, 2017. Stay tuned!